Merry met traveler

Well it's been 6 weeks since I posted. Seems like such a long time yet so short. Alot has happened. So first thing first. My back. As you know I had a huge issue with my back. Actually spent my birthday getting a second lumbar block. The procedure did not go that well the 2nd time. I had a rough time with the iv. (If you all didn't know I am terrified by needles) They ended up giving me a valium so they could set the iv. Then it was slow to leave my system. Just overall bad. That and it caused my hands to turn purple. The veins on both hands blew like crazy so when I took the NIC (National Interpreter Certification) my hands purple and I ended up covering them in make-up so they would look normal on the camera.
So the second part of this is letter is the NIC. July 27th I took my NIC test. $325 to stand in front of a camera for 3 (OK it ended up for 4 hours) My Local test administrator was our secretary Robin and a good friend of mine. She made me feel so comfortable and calm. Go figure me calm during a test. I did it. I did it. I passed my NIC on my first attempt. I am so thankful 5 weeks and 1 day.

P

the pain won't back off. I am still breathing but I don't have a life. I am so frustrated. It hurts. I'm so bored. I need to get my notebook fixed. Can't connect to the net. so frustrated. I am actually writing this on my phone. main puter is upstairs. I want to move it downstairs but I have to buy a desk first. Hurt to much to look too hard. take care

OK so when I mess up, I royally mess up. For those of you who don't know, I have messed up the back again, but this time it was so bad at one point, I could not walk. I have had a 1 lumbar block and will be going for another on my birthday. I am extremly limited on what i can do and very depressed. I am basically in a cage called my body. I hurt 24/7. I even hurt in my dreams. I am so tired of this. I am tired of crying. There is no one here to take care of me other then me so many thing don't get done. Like the lawn mowed. Like the boxes taken to charity. A friend said i should just do my garage sale next year but i don't want the boxes around that long. May end up posting stuff for sale on ebay or craigs list. I need the $$. I am starting Physical Therapy tomorrow and not sure how I am going to pay for it. I know the petty insurance i have won't pay much if any. I just wish I didn't feel so hopeless. the Depression is getting to me and i'm getting a bit snarky about everything and everyone. I don't want to be. I want to laugh and smile and joke. I really want and excuse to just laugh so hard i can't breath. i don't want to be alone.

I am here in bed hurting. I don't think my back appreciates all the work I have to do. It really did not like me mowing the lawn then taking a long bike ride then picking Black berries. (Mind you the skeeters where so thick I am completely covered. It's times like these I miss having a beau. What is a girl to do with the skeeter bite that is smack dab in the one place on your back that can not be reached? Let’s just say it's not pretty. At the moment I am just sitting in bed listening to music and the sounds of the world exploding outside. I will miss all the pretty fireworks tonight due to my back. I do not feel up to going to anywhere alone. This weekend eHarmony had their free communication weekend. I can't bring myself to even look. I have the profiles on Match.com as well as eHarmony.com. I just can't do anything with them. I always feel like if it's a great match there has to be something wrong. That the person must be lying and I will end up dead on some corner or have the shit beaten out of me. The fact that many of my friends have had some wonderful dates from the online source. I ignore that 3 of my married friends met online and have wonderful kids and family. I look past that and try to convince myself I am not desperate and when the time is right I will be able to go online with no regrets. Doesn't matter that I haven't gone one a date in over a year. That my Friday nights are spent in a book store (Working, not evening shopping) and my Saturday nights are spent writing LJ posts or goofing off on FB. I spent the day alone with Tam-lin and I don't think I said 10 words all day. Granted some of this is my own choice. I don't want to go places . . . alone. It's that catch 22. I want to meet people but I don't want to go out alone. But to go out to meet anyone, I sort of have to go alone. I guess when it's time it will happen right? Right?? I want to believe. I am tired of being alone. The good news is I am learning how to live with myself and there are nights when I really do appreciate the fact that I am home. Alone. With nothing to bother me. No one to explain to what is wrong and why I want to be left alone. But there is no one here to cover my ears so I can sleep thru the homemade firework displays. Good night all. Happy 4th.

P

Michael came by to keep me safe while walking Tam-lin tonight. This area does not feel safe to me if I walk at night. He has had a rough 48 hours. His house was robbed again. they took his computer and his brother's TV. when he went to leave he gave me a long hug and kissed my forhead and told me it was because he missed me. he asked if I missed him and I said sometimes. everyone knows I question breaking up with him when I am tired and lonely. but tonights he said if I ever wanted to try again to say the word. no my heart is breaking again because he has offered what I can't accept.

It's sunday. I'm at work on the verge of tears and there is no one who cares. I hate my life at the moment. I really have nothing exciting to look forward to . My family decided to have a gathering today. A day I have worked for the past 4 years. They know I can't miss. so I miss my entire family again unless I want to go over there at 830 tonight and not get home in time to get any type of sleep. I hate going home to an empty house. If it wasn't for my dog I would have no reason to go home. I hate people. I hate just everything. I am so full of anger and there is no place to let it out. All I get to do is swallow my tears paint my smile on and grit my teeth to I can go home.

OK I have been dwelling on this for about 3 weeks now. It has really been getting to me. My hope is that by writing this all down I can maybe let got of it. Those who know me know that I am a sign language interpreter. That I am single and that my goal in life (at the moment) is to get my NIC certification so maybe I can have a real life and one day go on a real vacation (I would take a non-work related weekend in Chicago at the moment) but anyway back to what happened. I work with 4 fabulous ladies one of which is a psychic. So she has been working with me since January. She is really nice. So after finishing the work day I found out that she had been doing a reading for one of our guest terps. He was so excited he grabbed my hands and asked her to do a reading on me. I didn't care. See, I give doubting Thomas a run for his money in all things. (Those who know me well know what I mean) so she asked if it was OK I said go for it. She told me I was stubborn (duh) I doubt myself (duh) I don't let go of anger (duh). She said I don't trust people (Duh) this was all stuff that if you know me well you already know this about me. She asked if I was with any one I said no (FYI it's been over a year now) and she said she would be greatly surprised if I didn't meet my "Life Mate" before the end of the year. She said this man would come into my life to fill the part of me that I have that says poor me, what did I do to deserve this. She also suggested I buy my wedding gown now. (???) She said I was going to get my NIC this year. And that I would always be an interpreter but I would also be more and that either this year or next I would move out of state. At first she didn't know where either warmer or colder climate but then she stopped and asked if I was planning on attending Gallaudet (the deaf college in Washington). I said it was a dream but I had no more student loan left. She said that because I this wonderful man that comes into my life I would end up moving there. (FYI she is the 3rd psychic to say I was going to Gallaudet but I haven't even visited) She then said "Wow I have no worries about you. I see a life of luxury and happiness before you." When it was done I was tickled. I wanted to believe. It seemed everything I want (I assumed was beyond my reach) was going to come my way. I laughed it off and let it go . . . a bit. I thought of the things not said (children, if NIC was 1st attempt etc.) but decided some things are best left to dream.
Fast forward to this week. I had a prep time with this gal and we were chit chatting and she elaborated a bit. Now this is where I get weirded out. She said I would get my NIC advance on my first attempt and that I would test on July 27th. I would receive my results on Nov. 3. She said I really had to study and practice for the interview aspect of the test but I would score high in 2 of the 3 areas to obtain the advanced level. She say my best friend as my proctor (She named her and that can't happen because if she becomes a proctor she is not able to take the test herself and she hasn't taken it yet). Seems clear cut right? Let me add some info here. In December of last year I wrote a short story stating everything that she told to me. I wrote it to put my intent out into the world. She has never read it. Only 3 people to my knowledge have ever read that story and to be honest I didn't even use my real name for my character. But the scoring that was described to me matched and the results matched. I have never told anyone I planned to test near my birthday nor when I suspected I would get my results. This became more of a mind reading then a prediction. It makes me doubt even more. Like I said I want to believe. I want to think there is a chance and for a little while I actually did. Now I am not so sure.
Today there was another prediction made. One of my other co-workers is pregnant. It's her first and we are all excited for her. (She was scared to tell me because she knows I want a family and well the fates decided there was another path for me for now) Anyway our psychic is insisting it will be a boy. But there was a comment made about the pattering of little feet (classes had released). I said "Well S maybe hearing this in about a year but I don't think I will be hearing them. I' don't think it's in the cards for me haha, but Jr high hoofs well... (Referring to the kids in the hall) what I was told was "Umm. Don't be so sure about that."
OK so now I am wondering if my brain is wired in a way that cancels prediction. Am I unpredictable and the thoughts I think manifest as the prediction? I have to let go of all of this. I have to take back control but my obsessive mind is holding on tight. I need my friends help to take me past this frustration and allow me to move past the stress and worry I now have. "I must not Fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my Fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the Fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

I am not doing so hot this week. It's been really rough. In someways today is the worst. Remember on Tuesday my Mom had me all freaked out? Well sort of went down hill from there. I got sick. I mean really sick. The kind of sick you really get scared you are going to die sick. I woke up at 3 in the morning in pain. Didn't get better from there. I called my boss at 5:30 saying I had to stay home. I had to leave a message and got a text back that said to rest. I tried to call my Mom at 8:00 but she had gone to get meds for my Dad. At that point I was scared. I started to think that there was no one that would be able to help me. I crawled to the door to let Tamlin out and ended up curled on the concrete floor cause I couldn't move. (Let me say now concrete in an unheated breezeway is really cold). Once back in bed I tried to call a few friends who either worked or lived near by to see if they could drive me to the Dr. cause tere was no way i could drive myself, hell i could hardly walk. Everyone was working. At about 11 my Mom called me back and came to my rescue. I called the Dr. and got an appointment for 2:00. Mom was at my house by 12. I was sick but also embarressed. My house has had no attention in a week so it was bad. Mom cam over and started cleaning. Drove me to Dr. Got my meds. After took me to walgreens and got pedilyte and popcicles. (I had to get my fluids up or it was going to be a trip to ER.) got me home took care of Tamlin and got me settled on the couch. After she left she called to check on me. Thursday I called out of work. too weak and sick to go in. Mommy came to the rescue again. She came over and brought 5 bags of food and kept me company for a bit. I was in idiot and went into work on Friday. That was a huge mistake and once again I am curled in bed doing a great impression of a vegitable. No I am feeling stronger. Little stir crazy. Loving the snow wishing i could go skiing. But truth be told I am feeling angry. Angry for being sick, for being stuck inside, angry at being bored. I am ticked I can't eat what I want when I want. I am mad that I'm alone. I have Tam who has been sleeping all day. I've been reading watching DVD's I've been playing puter games but i'm lonely. I can't even bring myself to write cause I know it would be a sob story. Now I have been doing really good at not having a pity party but I need to add a couple of things to this. First In 2 days I lost 10 pounds. Give you an idea how sick I was? And Friday at work all I heard about was how horrible I looked. I kept my chin up all during that but today, there is no reason to. Tomorrow I will be all better all the smiles and laughter you want from me as I deal with all the clueless people at the book store but right now I would give the world for a hug and someone to dry my tears. Reading really is not the answer today. Want to know why? In books you read about everything you want but can't have. Sort of bites. See when I was married I thought I had everything I ever wanted. Someone there to take care of me when I was sick. Someone to joke with. But I sort oftook it for granted I guess. Sometimes I think that If I had been just a different person things would have been different. If I hugged him more. If I "needed" hime more instead on ms. independent. If I let hime care for me more. Granted that would have worked out great if he hadn't pointed out that he had doubts about marrying me from the get go. Oh well. The best I can do is be me now. I will never again take hugs for granted from those i care about. If you know me you know I have space issues. Meaning not many people are allowed in to my space unless you are my trusted friend. so that is the saga of me this week. I'm laid up in bed miserable and weepy and there is nothing I can do about it . . today. But look out tomorrow.

I guess you know when you are getting old when after many years of being a night owl you start going to bed way too early. The frustating part in my problem is more medication driven and well no matter how tired I am i don't sleep. Sometimes I dream really insane dreams of being a spec ops person, or of my intire day only to wake and realise that I still have the day before me. So I have been suffering terribly. And at the moment I am scared. I have been tring to call my parents since 4:30 and no answer other then the answering machine or the fax machine. Normally I don't worry but it's after dark and well Mom and Dad don't like to drive after dark so I am scared. See I tried to call cause I had my taxes done so i wanted to talk to someone about it. No one was available that I could tell what happen and usuallu Mom & Dad are the first I call. This is tearing me up inside. I called my brother and he saw them yesterday. I just wish one of them would call one of us. Mom got rid of the Cell phone back before Thanksgiving cause she didn't take care of it (not charging phone, leaving it turned off) so i have no way to contact her. wish me luck.


10:45 p.m. - Mom just called and I sat on phone and bawled. Daddy had to goto the ER. THey went to phyical therapy and he was still dizzy. At first this was chalked up to meds. With his parkinsons he has had some med changes but the lightheadedness got worse today. THey went to ER at 1:00 this afternoon and he had to have a CT scan. After a very long time in ER Daddy was siagnosed with a sinus infection. Something so simple. Anyway, I now feel very sick. I hope to god I can sleep. I miss sleep. I miss the peace and safety of a good nights sleep.

Well I did it. I passes the NIC written. Like I said before doesn't mean much other then I get to stand infront of a camera for 3 hours but it's the first step in becoming nationally certified. Also found out I lost another 6 pounds today. Wahoo. THat was pretty cool. Size 10 here I come. It's kind of cool ot be getting my body back. THe best part was I am offically inder the 160 mark. That was an awesom feeling. Hoping to get back to working out and hopefully meeting people. The working out is more for the stress mangement. Things at work and in my life are spiralling a bit so I have to get back in control. Working out may be one thing I can do to do that. THere is a gym nearby I want to check out. Sort of hoping it's one of the new 24-7 deals. With my life that may be my only way. But I am also going to try and relax more in the evenings and not try to be super woman. Oh well enough rambling to myself.

P

In roughtly 17.5 hour I will be in a testing room. In front of a computer sweating like crazy. I will have paid $240 to sit there and given up a half day of work. I will have read text books for 3 months for that moment. The results will only give me the oppurtunity to pay $350 to stand infront of a camera for 3 hours. If I pass that test I will then be a Nationally Certified Interpreter. This is a route I never saw myself following. I always said that NIC wasn't something I was capable of but I'm going to try. After I take the written I have 5 years to pass the performance. I guess I should also add that there is an 80% failure rate the first attempt. So basically your first $350 is blown on just trying. Right now my heart is pounding. I feel like I should be studying something but I forgot the book I was working on at Borders. And well if I don't know it now what I read tonight won't make that big of difference. I am refusing to read any of the books that I study from tomorrow. I figured I should let my brain rest. My head is so full of pressure it feels so odd. I stopped taking notes and highlighting my books when I got my test date. I just started reading the text. I hope it is enough. You know what the hardest part of this? Not having someone to hold me and whisper "You can do this." My bed is warm only because I have an electric blanket. There is no one to share all the stuff that is going on in my head at the moment. Not to say I understand what is going on in there. No one to curl with and share my fears. Some one to dry my tears. But just a hug would be so amazing right now. A simple hug filled with warmth. Not a cyber facebook hug but one of flesh and blood. From one who thinks the world of me and sees me for me and not the masks others see. OK getting sappy. I think I am just lonely. I guess this is where I get to say I guess someday my prince will come but I think mine has been delayed by a few dragons, 100's of warlocks and a dozen curses. Maybe we will meet in the next lifetime:-)

What a night. I had so much fun. My Best friend Stacey bought me tickets to see Wicked with her for my birthday. So great. We went to night and granted it's the second time ive seen it it was wonderful. I think there is a magic in the first time you see a show. But enjoyment happens the second. You can see more. I loved it. It started out with dinner. at Fishbones. Which was awesome then off to the show. We arrived lates se we could not be seated till 15 min. into the show (first time i have ever been late to a show in my entire life). I was OK cause I seen the show but stacey hadn't I told her what was going on. We got out of the resurant late then got turned around so finding the theater took longer then expected. At intermission we went and I bought her a sweatshirt for christmas and she bought me mine. (we match) I also splurged on a Defying Gravity shirt.
THere was a small incident that happened. I fell down the stairs (Careful of the first step it a doozy). (This is the first time I have ever lost my balance in a theater.)
I seem to have done something to the side of my calf. It really hurts when I move the foot. So my guess will be true pain tomorrow.
If you get a chance to see the show go. It's worth it. So tired. Off to bed. the Witching hour has started.

P

It's Saturday after Christmas. It's 8:00 and I am tired. I am so sleepy words can not describe it. The clock is ticking the end of 2008. It has been a very trying (Not sure on the spelling for what i mean) year. I try so hard and yet I seem to make no headway. I guess the important thing is that I am still trying huh. The ironic thing is I have earned more money this year worked harder and had less time for myself and yet I struggled more then I have in the past. It makes no sense. I guess that's what happens when you no longer have a boyfriend. I miss it. You know? Not enough to get back together or anything but enough to wish I had someone there. I miss random hugs and a kiss here and there. I miss the romance and the goofiness. I miss the laughter. Even when things were bad, knowing I had someone there made me smile. You know I was terrified after my divorce. I could not get my head away from thoughts of, Now if I get sick, who will take care of me? Will someone take care of my Dog? That is still floating in my mind now. Tam-lin is my baby. If I ended up in the hospital (God forbid because I could never afford it) would there be people willing to take care of her. It's not like she is a human child, there are no laws protecting her. And what about me? Would I still be alone? I know these are all weird questions but there is no one who could run to my side and be there for me if the worst happened. I hope things change in 2009. I am definitely not a digital date girl. I am to chicken to try and meet someone on line. Once upon a time I dreamed of a family and a house. Now I would be happy with a nice apartment for me an tam. Bills paid a full freezer. Would love to see what a date is like. I haven't been on one for a while. I would love the stuff that's in the movies that we all know is not real. But I look around and sigh. I even have a pity party now again but then I remember how blessed I am. I have Tam, I am healthy (for the most part, I have a job (5 but who's counting), I have a place to live and I even have a car. I can get food when I need it. I have my family near me, and most important of all I have friends. They may not be able to give me much time. They may not be able to fill the empty spot in my life that appeared after the break up but they fill up the rest of my heart and make me feel loved in a another way. As a person who is a part of their lives.

Peace

OK I thought this would be a good idea. I guess I was wrong. See it's been about 8 months since I got my hair cut and about 4 months since I could go get the brows waxed. I am usually not a vain person. Not into makeup or girly stuff unless I have to for work or if something special is happening. Also I can't afford to do this stuff. For most people $11 for a haircut is nothing. For me it hurts. It's money that is spent on something other then survival. But I had some money from taking care of a friends dog that was not expected and thought I should try to look presentable for the holidays. (Insert Bah-Humbug here) So the haircut went fine. Got rid of 2 inches of dead fizzy split ends. But if you look at my hair you really can't tell the difference. (go figure). But the reason for the post happened when I got the brows waxed.
Men only deal with this if they decide to get their chest waxed. Now granted I have to say A. I have tried to pluck, shave, as well as wax these things myself. It's a miricle I still have eyebrows and B. This hurts. Do not believe anyone who says it doesn't. These are your eyebrows and you are ripping the hairs out by putting hot sticky stuff on them. But even that is not the worst part about it. The worst is how I look after the fact. Now tomorrow when I look in the mirror I will be pleased with the results but right now, yuck. My eye are swollen and I don't have eyebrows I have 2 red welts that sting and itch. It looks horrible. (Those of you who remember when I met Michael it was a day after getting eyebrows waxed and having a reaction to the wax cleaner. My eyes were almost swollen shut) So I am staying inside in my warm bedroom hiding from the world so I don't scare anyone. I wanted to do some writing but not sure if anything has perkulated enough to get down on paper. And my face is really bugging me. See, this is what I get for using my money for, what I thought would be, a special treat. Granted I have no idea how I am going to get groceries. Ramen noodles and cereal gets old. At the moment everything is really tight because of the holiday. Don't have the money to buy gifts don't have the heart not to. Making alot of them. I am eating the last of my food. The soups and canned stuff almost gone. Hoping to get a windfall of work after the holiday so I can restock everything. It's sucks. The cost of gas maybe down but everything else costs more. So I struggle on.
You know what really sucks. 4 jobs and the isolation that comes with them. Can't go out and have fun if A. your too tired, B. your at work, or C. don't have enough money to go out and have fun (I really can't remember what a real vacation where you can travel and do what you want is like. I only go on work trips). I would love to be able to quit Borders but if I didn't have that I wouldn't have medical insurance. Granted I have to pay for it and it's only good if I am dieing but it's better then nothing (I guess). But I have to say I am blessed. I have a job (and believe it or not it's in Michigan), I have my Mom & Dad, even got my brothers. I have Tam-lin in my life and my friends (who do uderstand what I do and are supportive of me when I have to leave for an assignment). I have a house that keeps the winds at bay. Scrooge I may be but I am lucky in many ways. Just wish I could keep that focus. That belief that everything will work out. That one day I will have a full fridge and freezer, that one day I will have good insurance and not worry about getting sick or hurt. That one day I will meet someone. I just wish I could see that one day coming someday soon.

I think I have a brain tumor. No seriously. I really think so. Not from headaches or loss of balance. THat's not what make me think this but actually the loss of the ability to speak. I struggle to talk to my friends. Well that's not true I can talk to them but I don't make sense. I drop important words or I go around the topic without ever making a point. This has happened before but not as bad as this. I literally am embarrassed by my speech. This does not happen when I am working, thanks god. I would preferr to keep this from affecting how my clients view me. Had to share because we forget how important speech is. Maybe I should just sign.:-)

Hello,
OK because I work so much my life, there are times I don't know what a normal life is like. Most normal people work normal hours and then go home and they have a home life. Home life could mean family, kids, significant other, Pets. Time home is dinner, chill time, time to get things done or reconnect mentally and physically to the things that each person feels to be important. My life is usually come home from work for no more then 2 hours and leave for 3-4 hours. I usually come home just about the time I start to get ready for bed. Many times I know I stay up really late so I will be tired enough to sleep. Then I am exhausted the next morning and I do it again.
Tonight has been the first time in many many weeks that I have not had another job to do. I didn't have to teach or work the book store. I didn't have to run to someone's house. I didn't have to do any running or go any place. I had no responsibilities. I didn't have to clean house (did it Monday) I really had nothing on my plate. I didn't even take the time to study for my NIC test cause I've been a good girl and read the books I need to at work.
The evening was spent watching Net-flix (The Tudors and The Broadway Show (Really want to see Taboo now)) Played puter games, sorted receipts and updated the checkbook. So I am now watching TV and been playing on the puter for most of the evening.
IS THIS WHAT NORMAL LIFE IS LIKE?? I don't have a clue. This evening seems to last forever. I keep looking at the clock expecting to see a bed time flashing back at me but it keep showing times that say bedtime is 2 or 3 hours away. So I know you guys are thinking I'm nuts. but this is true. I do not know how to be home alone like this. No boyfriend or anyone to check in with it's just me and this is amazingly mind numbing. The good news is I did it. I survived and I think I could do it again. I feel like I should be doing something but I'm OK
Scary isn't it.
Pagan Green

NOthing new in my life here. Work Work and more work sort of sums it up. Been goofing around in facebook and myspace. That has been fun. OTher then that it's the same old stuff happening. No new romances no new jobs no big moves. No one I know is pregnant and no one had a baby. THere has been no weddings (OK A vow renewal, does that count?) but noting overly exciting or fun. Just thought I would check in and say hi to all!!!

Hi all (Posted this as a bulletine on myspace as well),
OK this is for the people who have lawn stuff. During the next few weeks the leaves are going to fall off the trees in my yard and well winter and snow will be here before you know it. I am in need of the use of 3 different types of lawn tools to prep for the chilly season. If anyone could help out that would be awesome. I am in need of a power edger (I have a hand one but I can't make it work. Need to edge so when I shovel the white stuff the grass stays behind) I am in need of a way to get tall branches chopped off the tree in front. There is a bunch of dead branches that I want to trim. (This is the least of my worries so if this has to wait till next year so be it.) Last I would like the use of a leaf blower. This can wait until later in November. I know you all have your own yards to blow (Shhhh:-)) I would only need it for like one Saturday. If anyone can help AWESOME! If not AWESOME! Next Saturday I hope to do the last of the lawn work (weeding, edging, weed whacking and such) then focusing on the leaves after that it should be good till spring.

This is a bit of a pity party so feel free to skip.
I made it home safe. Actually I have been home over a week. It took me a while to recover from the trip. The workshop was fantastic and I learned so much.
Tonight is a bit off for me. I wanted to go see my Mom and Dad tonight but didn't feel up to it. I need to go to the post office and mail my netflix but haven't been up to that either. Some of the problem is depression. Some of it is just no time to be me and the rest is work. My agency was named in a neg. light in a professional journal and it got to me.
I have been slowly working to get my life back and taking time for me. It's been working but then weeks like this hit. Tomorrow and Friday my job will be taking me about 60 miles from here. (Yes that is 120 round trip) There are no terps willing to drive so I get volunteered. I really don't mind the hour drive I gripe more about the lost time. I want to be home not driving forever. Thank god for audio books. If I didn't have them I would lose what little mind I have left.
The other big thing is just depression in general. My tennis elbow is flaring up really bad and I wanted to goto the DR. but that means $$ and the time to go. The soonest I can get there now is next week. At least Tam got to the vet $300 poorer (I was told it was only going to be $114) but that all the gods and goddesses she is a very healthy girl. But now the $$ I was going to use for my big national written test is gone. I may borrow it from my tax money and pay it back. 1 test $250. That is jsut the written part. Doesn't include the performance part.
The other part of the depression is my life in general. This past B-day (July) I turned 37. Of all my friends I was the one who wanted to be married forever. I wanted a family. I wanted my work. Now I look in the mirror. I am the minority. I am single (Not even in a realtionship which is not a horrible thing because I got to learn to live with myself but it is lonely). Most of my friends are married or in a realationship. It sucks being the 3rd wheel and going to weddings alone sucks even more. I am not a Mom. This I think hurts the most. I wanted a family. Of all the people I know I was the only one who wanted a family. I wanted a house that kids could run around and play in. Now most of my married friends have at least one child and yes I could crash and be rent an aunt but it's not the same. Many of you know that right before all hell broke loose with my marriage my ex and I planned to have a family. It was a blessing and a curse that it never happened. This is still a knife in my gut. Finacially I was hoping that I would be doing better. I am not at the bottom but if it was not for my parents help during the summer I would be in dire straights. eventually I am going to have to consider finding a real job with benefits. The shots in the arm add up. I guess this should be enough groussing for one night.
Please have a FAB day.

alright I admit it I made a huge mistake. I am in chicago. alone. and it sucks lemons royal. Chicago is a place to explore with another brave soul. So if you get lost you are not alone. I am basically sitting alone in millinum park while the world moves around me. I tried to walk to Navy Pier for a scary halloween night thing going one but with not knowing exactly where i'm going and walking way too far (got the workout taken care of) I decided to head back to the car even though I paid for parking till midnight. if it wasn't for fear of getting lost in the dark and never getting back I would just waunder. I guess one weekend I will have to come out here and do that. Maybe a girls weekend. like I said being alone sucks. ao back to car car baxk to the hotel for dinner at denny's I guess (I was hoping for Bubba Gumps. Never been there) and a lonly night in a cold room. night all.